The Word of the Day is Zenning

As more stuff leaves the house, the house seems bigger to me.  Yes, the house is the same size, but there is less clutter.  We are now entering the less is more stage of our lives.  I am sure that this will bring great joy to Teri too.

I have found stores of odd things like toilet paper buried deep in the back of a cabinet behind swim towels. This was my before breakfast Zenning project.  I now have a bag of old but still usable towels that will make its way to the animal shelter.  I found 3/4 of a bolt of fabric for Eric projects that has been cut into dog pillows size pieces. Now to find the black thread and start making pillows. I think I have enough scraps for at least 6. After 6 I will have to go buy more poly fill.  I wonder if I can fill the whole center section of the van with pillows?

I have the next Bookman’s run ready to go.  I also have the next bag for Goodwill ready.  I think I need more large trash bags too.    I have a huge pile of books to go to Flowing Wells School District. The bibs are next.  That will make 1 whole shelf available for John.  I have a hard time reaching it unless I am in high heels.  I wonder why I waited so long to do this shelf.  No, not really.

Once I am through with this round of Zenning,I will start the major reorganization of the house. I will also get my hat patterns written.  Wish me luck.

Pure Joy

Today as I gave 2 of Eric’s Elmo’s to a friend’s grandson I experienced the first pure joyous moment since Eric passed. Ivan had the same pure joy on his face as Eric had when he received them. Ivan was a little afraid that I was going to take them back to Eric, it’s just something that 2 year old’s are not meant to understand. I told Ivan that his job was to hug the Elmo’s and take good care of them for Eric. He then hugged the Elmo’s as I left.

Ivan I know you are much to young to understand what you did for me today.  I hope that some day your mom will show you this.

Thank you so very much Ivan.

A Good Day - Kinda of - Also A Rant

I have made some personal progress. I don’t cry every time someone mentions Eric’s name. I am, however, beginning to get annoyed at people who give their condolences in one breath and the very next breath go into a diatribe on everyone that they have lost over their life time and want me to console them. Tell them how sorry that I am for their loss.   Expletive deleted, it has not been a month yet. How in the expletive deleted am I suppose to deal with these people. Is this supposed to make me feel better? Is this just because for some odd reason the nutters find me? Have they not read Miss Manners or Emily Posts chapter on the subject?

Just in case you failed to read either section on manners when giving condolences it is not OK to say you are sorry that I lost my only son and then go on to say my grief is not real or important. If I am not important enough to you to make a little positive comment about Eric, then don’t say anything at all.  There is a time and a place for everything. I know I feel very frayed right now. The fabric of my life has a huge hole in it that can not be mended. I have to find a way to reinforce the fabric without losing the essence of Eric. I just need people to be kind to me or ignore me. Trying to make me sit or stand through xx years of your losses is abusive.

I really try to be kind and caring. Right now I have no reserves left. I am exhausted and know that this is normal. It is a good night when I can sleep through the night. It is a good day when I can get some laundry done or do some errands with out needing a long nap afterwords.  I have a new normal to deal with. Please be patient, this is a difficult part of my journey in life. I don’t know when or if I will ever be my old self again or if it’s time to reinvent myself.

I did promise a bit of good day. So here it is.  Three loads of laundry got done. I delivered 29 pairs of socks from this weeks Zenning to Flowing Wells School District Clothing Bank along with a bag from Barbara.  I did the dishes in the sink before I left for the day. I even folded laundry. So it was a good day.

Fantastic Zenning

Today was a fantastic Zenning day.  I now have enough in trade credits at Bookman’s to get 2 dozen more pairs of socks for my favorite charity project. Which is fantastic because they need more socks from little kids feet to high school size feet. My Zenning is on a roll.  I did not get much else done today. Unless you count a thee hour nap.  As you know I find the actual act of Zenning exhausting. It’s 9:30 and I am ready to call it a night.

Please consider sending a gift card to the Flowing Wells School District so the staff can fill in what is needed in the clothing bank. Target and Walmart gift cards work out well. Please include a note saying what you want the donation to go to.

Please mail to:
Flowing Wells Schools
Iola Frans Administration Center
Attention Superintendents Office
1556 West Prince Road
Tucson Az 85705-3087

Thank you in advance.

Sheri.

A Failure

Today I did something I rarely do.  I did a holiday craft show.  It was abysmal at best.  The best sellers were teething wash cloths, stitch markers and key rings at fifty cents each.   I was told that this was a high end show. So I spent the week weaving 2 scarfs and making 2 dozen pairs of earrings. The highest priced item to sell was one of John’s spinners, still under $10.00.  I did not even break even.  Please remind of this if I am thinking about doing a show in the future.

A Score

John and I went to Bookman’s today. We traded some of my Zenning  to replace 3 coffee cups that were stolen a while back. This was a hard to find item because they were from my first set of dishes I ever bought way back in the late 1970’s and were removed from the Cornelle line in the mid 1990’s.  I had given up ever replacing them.

We also scored 5 pairs of socks for the clothing bank.  Before bed tonight I refilled the Bookman’s bag.  Truth be told I only zenned for 5 minutes today. I am totally exhausted. My arthritis has kicked in with vengeance like I have not seen in a while. So a 2 1/2 hour nap instead of knitting was needed. I am also going to turn in early tonight. Tomorrow is going to be better.

A Little of This and A Little of That

Today I was all over the place in terms of getting things done.  This morning before lunch I wove about 25 inches more on the scarf I started a few day ago.  I did 4 very small loads of laundry, John and I don’t make much.  I think Eric’s washing machine is missing him.  Yes, we bought it, but Eric claimed it as his own.

Then it was off to knitting.  To help my student start her next block.  A nice lady with questions on a hat.  She did come to the right person. I also got to show a knit front, knit back, knit front in the same stitch for a bobble ( kfbf ). It’s not a stitch that I like but can demonstrate it as necessary.  I am also working on the pattern for 4 of 3 a shawl study.

John took me out for dinner and then we came home. I spent 20 minutes in Eric’s room and filled a bag for Bookman’s and another for Goodwill.  After all that I was to tired to knit or weave tonight.  Well it is almost tomorrow so it’s time to say goodnight.

Errands

Today I got out of the house for some errands. I managed to get to the library to return the equipment on loan from the Library of Congress, Services for the blind and disabled. The librarian knew he was supposed to take them back, but had to research were to send them.  He was really nice.

Then it was off to the Flowing Wells School District main office to drop off the hand knit hats, socks and a few school supplies.  They were very happy to receive everything. All 3 bags full.

Then off to drive across town to drop off a check and check out a venue.  I think the event will be inside.  That’s great because it’s supposed to rain on Sunday. Then I went shopping and headed home. A 9 hour work day left me exhausted. Did I mention that I started making earrings and stitch markers at 6 am and forgot to eat breakfast because I was so busy.

After dinner I got in some weaving time on the new scarf. I even managed to empty a shuttle.  I am almost at the splash of red part.

It’s 10:30 pm and I am so tired that my body is saying go to sleep. I really don’t know how I managed such long hours with Eric. I guess I am a mere mortal now.

In A Rut

I have to admit that I am still having a rough patch right now. Although going away for the Thanksgiving weekend to hang out with Teri and Tej helped a lot. I loved their new couch.  As soon as I sat down I was sleeping. I am sure I needed the sleep as the general comments were that family members have not seen me sleep so much in years.

I am still trying to deep clean the house 5 minutes at a time. I need to do another Bookman’s run. I have a whole lot of errands and all the time in the world, but none of the energy. People tell me that this will take time.

I did get the loom warped tonight..my only plan for the design is to use up the yarn currently on the shuttle’s. I got a little over 3 inches woven tonight. I also got the bead out to make some earrings.

The Enchanted Couch

I have found an enchanted couch. It is fabulous.  I just sit on it and wake up 2 hours later fully refreshed. I tried it twice today. All I can say is that I love it.  Do to my love of the enchanted couch I will not disclose its location.  I don’t want to share it..I don’t want to have to wait in line for it.  The couch is calling to me again and I must go..

A Bathroom Makeover

Eric had chosen the shower  curtains and towels for his bathroom. John and I decided it needed a makeover. So today I found the time and energy to go shopping for a new shower curtain and accessories. I started at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  Even though they had a huge selection, nothing appealed to me. So I went to Kohl’s and found the perfect shower curtains and accessories. I was very lucky that every thing I wanted was on sale. So the bathroom redo including towels is less than $80.00. I might try to find a second bath towel later to complete the set. So when John has time he will hang up the curtains, because no one around here wants me on a ladder hanging things up. John is lucky that he can stand on the floor to hang shower curtains. Then I will do the rest and post pictures.

Speaking of tall people.  Have you ever noticed that your designated top person leaves the house just moments before you need something from the high shelf. Sometimes the grabbers are just not the right thing for the job.  

More Zenning or Walking

After dinner I got the brilliant idea that because I needed about 1,200 more step to reach my step goal, I should clean out Eric’s 3 travel bags.  Which lead to a full trash can, 3 bags for Goodwill, more things for Taglit and a small pile of towels for the humane society.  Did I mention the 6th load of laundry for the day? This left me emotionally exhausted, but I did reach my step goal for the day.

I wonder if I can fill one more bag for Goodwill before I drive all over Tucson dropping things off.  I am not sure where the day went, but I should try to get to sleep before to comes in 7 minutes.

The Vulture

I am going to start off by saying that since Eric’s passing we as a family have gotten a huge out pouring of kindness from around the world. To this I am very grateful for everyone taking time out of their busy lives to send a note, give hugs and bringing over food and flowers. I also want to take the time to give a special thanks to those who helped us through the first hours of grief with your visits. I just don’t have the proper words to express how grateful we feel as a family. You are the people who will be shocked by this blog post...

I got a call yesterday and this is boiled down to the basics, not word for word.  You will understand the title of the blog after you read this..I want to Reiterate to those mentioned above that this does not apply to you. The call went something like this as I remember it.

Hi, I am the Vulture ( I can’t remember  her name), I heard your son died. My partners and I want to buy your house. How soon can you be out.

I replied that the house was not for sale.

Really how soon can you be out of the house.  Sorry for the noise I am feeding my dogs.   When are you moving?

I replied not for another 20 or 30 years.

All right I will call back then.

No where in the call did she give the name of the company that she was associated with. Not once did she mention the broker who supervised her.  At no time did she say I am sorry for your loss.  She was single minded in her goal to get us out of the house just 9 days after Eric passed.

This just brings out the angry mom in me.  I have her telephone number and can track her down and find out where she works and let their corporate office know that this is unacceptable behavior.. Then to work with the governors off to make sure other grieving members don’t have to deal with these calls.

Most of all I would like to wish her karma.

A Pleasant Weekend

My younger brother and his wife came out to visit us this weekend. It has been a very nice visit. A little eating,whom am I kidding a lot of eating. Some nice walks. Also some shopping. A visit with the Konecky’s and Mary Gavin. We also picked out gifts for my nieces, they are both great girls so how could I not want to spoil them.

The house is still too quiet. I also did exactly 5 minutes of Zenning.  The old 5 minute rule is great. You would be surprised if you really try.

Eric’s Bed

Most people who have been to Eric’s room or saw pictures of his room since he was 12 always saw a bright cheery room. His bed was always decorated in bright cheery colors.  The guard rails were padded and covered with custom made covers, 5 different sets in all.  There were almost always a few stuffed friends scattered on the bed, except when Eyrpy.   I did this for everyone.  Like it or not hospital beds always look drab. They are designed for easy cleaning and easy of use.  Not for years of home use. That is why I need to show you what his bed looked liked before I went wild at Joann’s Fabrics. No one should have to live with such a drab bed.  Always add as much cheer to all rooms of your homes.

Today the bed left the hose to go to its next job.   I am happy to see the bed go.  It will be going to a family who can not afford to spend money on a bed ,but need one.  

Small steps =  big changes. Yes, I am catching up on laundry. It seems really weird to have to wait a week to have enough laundry to do a load.  I guess that I will be buying less tide.

Why Knitter are Great Friends

Today was spent with a lot of my knitting buddies.  We cried together. I got a lot of healing hugs. We laughed together. We remembered Eric together. We even knit together, although truth be told I personally did not get a lot of knitting done. I was given yarn to help in the healing process.   I mostly tried to be in the moment and take in all the healing energy that surrounded me. Yes, I was very distracted.  I did finish knitting a shawlette that still needs to be blocked.

I also managed to get 2 loads of laundry finished. Read a huge stack of condolence cards. I also need to write thank you notes.  I have started the next bag for Goodwill. When it is full I plan to store it in the van to get it out of the house. Also I will not have to take out a lot of full bags later.   There is so much to do that it seems a bit overwhelming.  I just have to remember that I don’t need to do 3 or 4 things at once now. I just need to do one thing at a time and stay in the moment.

Below is a picture of the shawlette before blocking.  Yes, it was knit with my own hand spun yarn.

Changes

Life after we said goodbye to Eric have been strange and at times overwhelming.  Today would have been Eric’s  birthday.  We would normally wake up early and wake him up with the birthday guy singing happy birthday and then start the day. We would play the birthday song as much as possible during the day and the last time at bedtime.  Today John and I knew we had to play the birthday song.  I finally got the courage about 8:00pm.  We played the song for Eric and cried.

Going out to eat is different too.  We do not have to decide what to eat before we get to the restaurant.   Then order as soon as we sit down. We can actually look at the menu and possibly try something different. There have been times when we look at each other thinking that we have to hurry up and eat so we can take over Eric care.  Then it dawns on us that Eric has said his final goodbye to us.  We take a deep breath and comment on how strange this all is.  Then relax a bit.

Another time I  remembered how I used to knit scarfs while sitting on a rock at the end of the driveway.  Thinking about how much Eric loved to ride the bus with Don, the bus driver. That memory left me smiling for hours.

Also I  don’t know how I managed it but I kept to my eating plan while Eric was in hospice. I managed to exercise and eat right.  Now I am down another size.  I will have a lot of clothing going to Goodwill. I do not have any pants in the next size down and will need to go  shopping.  Thank goodness I have the technology for that. I just need a good body day.

My need to create is slowly coming back. I have a hand knit shawl with hand spun yarn almost finished. I also have a scarf on the loom, that is also halfway done. I hope to work down my back log.

I could have not done any of this without you and you support. So a huge thank you.

Goodbye

 On Friday we said goodbye to our much loved son and brother, Eric. Eric was diagnosed with ML4 at a very young age, but we never let a diagnosis define our son or our family.  Instead we choose to teach Eric and his older sister Teri to embrace life and live it to the fullest.

Living life to the fullest for us meant exploring and enjoying the world, no matter what. And it meant finding things we all could enjoy as a family. It meant exploring museums where Eric could roll around freely without limits. And while he couldn’t always make out the details, Eric always loved being surrounded by the rich colors and sounds.

It meant family trips to Disneyland where Eric loved celebrating his Birthday. Eric loved birthdays so much. But above all else, at Disneyland we could be like any other family and enjoy the rides and deserts together.  Eric especially loved the rides where he could roll right on in his wheelchair. 

Eric also loved food, particularly pancakes.  Eric and his grandpa Al loved going to IHOP for their pancakes.  Grandpa Al would hand us his cane and take charge of Eric’s wheelchair so that they could get the perfect pancake table.

Eric’s favorite place by far though was in the pool, particularly the Hilton hotel in Phoenix because of the pancakes and the lazy river. In the pool Eric could move freely. The warm water always felt good to him, and he always disliked getting out. Actually that was true for both of our children, and John and I had quite the job wrangling both kids unhappily out of the pool. 

However, as hard as we tried, over the years Eric’s world became smaller, and he lost the ability to do more and more things. But he never lost his incredible smile or his innate ability to make the other around him feel better. He even collected tabs for Ronald McDonald house to help out other kids who were sick. We will continue to collect tabs in his memory because he had not yet reached his goal of collecting a million tabs. Tabs can also be dropped off at 2155 East Allen Road in Eric's name. And he was always there for his friends to hold their hands and help them.

Eric was an incredible son and brother, and we all feel so lucky to have had him in our lives. 

If you would like to do something in Eric’s memory, we ask that you consider donating to the ML4 Foundation, the Taglit Special Needs Program at the Tucson JCC or the Ronald MacDonald House. If you can’t donate, please consider just doing something nice for someone else.

A Good Day

This is a good day to get the walkway repaired.  We probably should have done it sooner, but it will be finished today, hopefully.

Filing My Circular Knitting Neddles

This was the mess that had to be filed by size this morning.  Yes, this is the pile of knitting needles that I have used since Teri’s last visit.  I usually drop them in the front of the drawer or on top of the filing box.  I am usually so interested in starting the next knitting project that I don’t always fully put everything back in place.  The job took less than 20 minutes and will not have to be done any time soon.

All my current projects are in bags with patterns, knitting needles, yarn and the kitchen sink.  I wonder if John can 3D print small kitchen sinks?  Just a little more sorting and a few things left to put away.  Then it will be dust, polish and vacuum time.  Then my craft room will become our guest room.

Feeling Better

I am finally feeling better, but will take tomorrow slow.  The cold has left me stiff with that clogged up feeling.  I am hoping a few minutes of late night yoga will help get things loosen up and able to sleep.

I was sick for 3 full days so I expect to be behind for at least 6 days.  As my dad use to say “Don’t worry everything will get done when it was meant to get done and not on your schedule.” I think I will follow his  advice this week.

Please stay safe and try to have a fantastic day.

Still sick

I spent the day trying to sleep off this cold. I got more sleep today than in an average night.  This cold is leaving me a little light headed so I think I will skip driving tomorrow unless I feel 100% better tomorrow.

I did manage to gather some laundry and do one load but that was exhausting today.

To tell you how hard this cold hit I have not picked up my knitting needles or gone through withdrawals from not knitting.  I think that I will try to get more sleep now.

Not Thrilled

Right now I am not thrilled with the person who was out and about with a cold and sore throat.  I would like to say thank you for screwing up our week. It is very rude too leave the house when you are sick.

My personal Public Service Announcement. If you are sick please stay home until you are feeling better.

I can not do my job of taking care of Eric when I am sick, he is a little to fragile for that.  I can not get my errands done either. I am basically in a holding pattern until I feel better.  Eric will also not be able to get mommy hugs and kisses either.

Weird

Of all the weird things to walk away is the remote control to the new bed.  I could have sworn that I left it in the middle of the bed this morning.  This means that I can’t adjust the bed until I find it. I wonder who taught it how to walk?

I just found it hiding under the bed, at 3:30 am.  I guess it needs a remote cozy.  Look for a new pattern soon.

Not 30

I am not 30 anymore.  I can feel it after 4 very bad nights with Eric. Besides being tired my hands feel numb and my skin hurts.  It has some very big downsides not being 30. So tonight I hope Eric sleeps.  Goodnight all.

Knitting

A lot of knitting got done today despite Eric having a bad night last night.  Hopefully a whole lot of knitting will leave the house tomorrow.

Busy is the Word

We have been very busy around here. I have been so tired that I have not had the energy to post much before bed. A lot has been happening and here are a few things of note.

Eric brought in 40 more pounds of soda tabs to the Tucson Ronald McDonald House bringing his life time total (the past 10 years) to 150 pounds. He only has to collect 639 more pounds to make 1,000,000 tabs collected to make it on to the wall of fame.

I have been busy spinning and knitting. a few new patterns are in the pipeline. I have taken the zenning of the house to a whole new level that I thought was not possible for me. I have almost finished filling a giant bag of charity knitting and sewing with some socks added for good measure. It also takes the temptation of using the Bookman's credit for more clutter.

John is graciously bringing loads to Bookman's and Goodwill for me.

I have also been replacing batteries on smoke detectors and remote controls, funny how the work better when the batteries are not dead. . My clothes also seem to have gotten bigger over the summer. So I will have to add shopping to my list.

I am off to do more chores.

Projects 176 to 177

I forgot to add these hand woven scarfs to the last count. 

Projects 166 to 175

I made it to the 175th project of the year.  This batch includes 2 bibs not for Eric and 8 hats for kids in Tucson.  

It’s All About The Tink

Sometimes when designing a new pattern way outside the stitches per inch on a different size knitting needle things can go terribly wrong very quickly.   I am using U.S. size 10 knitting needles on a fingering weight yarn.  I knew my first guesstimate was off so I doubled the amount of stitches that I cast on.  It looked pretty good until tonight. Let’s just sat after knitting 12 rows I know I am way off.  Not wanting to do the math involved tonight it will wait for tomorrow.  Then I will begin again.  I will also have it finished by the Birthday Celebration at Grandmas Spinning Wheel here in Tucson.  Yes, I will be on hand to help you select the perfect yarn for you.

In other news Debra showed me her latest knitting project. She took my Count1-2-3-4 shawl pattern and cast on 81 stitches for a narrower shawl.  Even better she is knitting it in 100% silk yarn in a sports weight.  The drape on the shawl is fantastic.  If you have some spare silk yarn in a sports weight give it a try and post the picture on  Raverly.  P.S. the pattern is on Raverly or your local yarn store.

De Stash

This is today’s de stash project. All these magazines are going to a friend who sells vintage.   A lot are over a decade old, this is vintage in the knitting world where the yarn companies try to bring out new yarn every 3 months.  A lot of them I bought before I knew how much I disliked knitting socks.  Others because I no longer need a pattern to knit hats, blankets  and scarfs.  Some of the styles will not a look good on my older self.  So out they go.  I decided not to count them, but I did put them into a box that I don’t have the lid for.  If I give the box with the Magazine’s does this count as de stash too?

On ward with more deep cleaning.  Zen on.

Weaving Loom Repairs

Why has no one ever told me that I would need 2 - 1/8 inch thick dowels to repair my loom.  Really is it to much for someone to say what supplies I need to keep on hand? Well off to the temptation store tomorrow morning.

We are now taking bets on how many things I actually buy.

More Inches Gone

It is that time of year again. As I am getting ready to change to my fall and winter wardrobe I am finding that some clothes have grown in size over the summer. I really don’t feel any thinner, but my clothes say otherwise.  Of the pants I tried on today 2 out of 3 pairs are now resting half way up my rib cage, in just what seems a very few months they grew too big. Darn I really liked on pair of pants.  So I will be going through my closet and trying on pants, shirts and skirts.  The items that are too big  will be going to Goodwill.  I really hope some of my favorite clothing will fit again.

Then once I have a good idea what I need, I will be scouting out the sale racks to see what I can find. Wish me luck in both shopping and good body days.

Projects 150 to 165

Including 1 scarf  for sale, 2 skeins of yarn for weaving. 3 hats for charity. Lastly 10 bibs for charity.