Grief and Loss

 This week is going to be hard.  It’s been a year and 1 day since we lost Eric.  Today is the one year anniversary of his funeral.  In five days it would have been his 31st birthday.  Although we tended to celebrate Eric’s birthday all month long and when ever we went somewhere special.  I am not sure how the week will go, but my goal is to try to stay in the now and not eat my way through my grief.  I also plan on a lot of walking. So far so good on the eating and walking front.  

Since stress makes my arthritis worse and I still have 6 weeks before I can try knitting again.  I know that I can spin and weave but I might not have any creative mojo this week. I just might go on a cleaning and de stashing spree.  So a few people might just get some calls to pick up some crafting supplies.  I am sure that you won’t mind. I just don’t know about you’re families will like it  

If you are so inclined to remember Eric a donation in his memory would be most appreciated.  The first that I would like to suggest is www.ML4.org as they are continuing to do research on this disease that turned my family upside down.  ML4 was Eric’s primary diagnosis. The second  is your local community food bank, like all kids with ML4 Eric loved to eat.  Eric also loved making donation runs around Thanksgiving every year.  We would fill up the van with a donation that Eric would hand off while I slipped in a check.  He was delighted when the volunteers remembered his name and that he like to hand them the food. 

I will miss his smile this week and his delight in having the birthday guy sing happy birthday. Eric might be gone physically, but he is not forgotten. I love him to the moon and back. 

Yarn Away

 Today was a relatively good day.  I was feeling good after the aspirin and nap.  I was preparing to yarn bomb a friend.  I started out with a mid sized carrier bag and filled it. Then went and got another And filled it too. So I grabbed a paper grocery bag and filled it too. By then I was half way finished and had 2 empty storage tub’s.  So I dumped the three bags in and continue my yarn de stashing .  By the time I was through I was sure my friend would be mad for giving her so much yarn at once. I had filled a 60 quart tub full of knitting and weaving yarn. Much to my surprise she and her niece were very happy. When they picked it up I wished them a very happy knitting and weaving time.  John is also very happy too.

With the progression of the arthritis in my hands and all the hand surgeries my burn through rate of yarn is way down. Long gone are the days that I could knit through 45 quarts of yarn in a month. Let alone 13 ponchos in a month.  With that in mind I am starting to curate my fiber stash and make sure I really want and love the yarn.  To day was a first cut. I still have 6 more weeks of no knitting.  I am pretty sure it will not be a hat a day speed when I restart my knitting. So to that end I will be working on gasp, some projects for me. I have some sweaters, shawls, tops, and socks in line.  I am not sure how much more weight I will lose, but since it has been a steady 10 pounds a year I think I will be able to wear the clothing for a while or at least be able to take it in,  

This will be a huge change from the last 20 years of knitting where 95% or more in any given year was for charity.  I will still do charity knitting and weaving, but it will not be my main focus for a while. This has been a year of many changes and my life has been turned upside down and inside out all at the same time. In a couple of days it will have been a whole year since we lost Eric. I feel blessed that we had him for so many years. It does not seem possible that a year has passed. The world is a little less gentle since he left.  Then just as we were feeling almost normal COVID19 hit.  That turned our world upside down again.  I am not sure what life has in store for me, but a little guilt free me time is in order even if we are stuck at home for the foreseeable future.  

Remembering Eric

Sometimes I think I have everything under control with losing Eric.  Then I will do something really stupid like opening up some mail before bed.  See an unexpected donation made in Eric’s name. I really do appreciate people remembering Eric. Making the world a better place because of Eric. That is totally awesome.  Then the waterworks just start.  Then I think about his smiles and hugs.  Then I feel I was so lucky to be his mom, to be apart of his life and world. More tears.  I think I better stop now before I flood Tucson with my tears.