Parenting and Other Things

Sometimes I find parenting very hard, but most of the time there is just a routine boringness to it. Also what has become common for our house would seem downright strange in 98% of all households. For instance before bed we empty Eric's suction machine, get Eric ready for bed, I can't believe that he is going to be 29 this month.  Take out the trash and recycle and put the last load of laundry in the dryer. Sometimes even run the dishwasher.

Then there are the blender events like the very occasional seizure, me I am hoping beyond hope that he is just over tired and not pre-viral. Waiting in traffic for the 30 minute mile because some silly snowbird rammed a very expensive sports car at a red light and refused to move his car out of traffic hoping someone in law enforcement would not say he was at fault for hitting the car ahead of him at a red light.

Since Eric is sleeping I think I should order the rest of his supplies and head to bed. Parenting Eric can be very tiring especially when he does not sleep through the night like most of this week.

I have personal blender moments too. I have trouble passing for my age on most days. The answer is no, people don't fake their age to get the senior discounts.  Today I almost did not get to vote because of it. I was asked several times for the information on my driver's license while the poll workers were holding it..Looking at me like I was lying...but my face looked like the picture and I answered everything twice correctly. The polling supervisor said to give me the ballot anyway. Afterward I let the Mayor's office and the Democratic party workers who were trying to keep track of any type of voter suppression know about it.

Another scarf made it off the loom and another hat was finished today.

I Really Said This

This morning I can't believe I used the line, "but my daughter is a lawyer" when someone got a little too "I am feeling sorry for you because your son is in an adult day program. I am very lucky that Eric is in an adult day program. There is a nationwide shortage of adult day program slots across the country.  I am very lucky that my local JCC cared enough about our family to create an adult day care program that Eric can go to and hang out with his friends.

Now I want everyone to know that I Love my children equally and am very blessed to have both of them in my life. They have each taken me down a different path in life. They have both taught me about life in their own way. I am very grateful that they let me come along for the ride.

It has not always been an easy path. I feel that at times I was not the best at my job of mom. I might not have given it my all to both Teri and Eric all the time. We manage to muddle through it somehow. We are a close tight family so I know that I did somethings right.

So I would like to say, Thank You to Teri and Eric for giving me a chance to be your mom. I would also like to say Thank You, to John for joining me in this adventure.

Parenting

Parenting and in particular the parenting of special needs children and adults is the parent's job. In speaking to more than a number of parents on the subject more often then not I hear them complain about the lack of long term commitment from teachers, medical professionals and aides. This just rubs me the wrong way. Don't get me wrong sometimes there are just so many new people in Eric's life that I think my job should be called Training Specialist and not Mom.

I think that it is fantastic that ordinary people take time out of their lives to learn about and help our children. We have a lot of aides who need the volunteer credit, even if it is a paying job with a non-profit to get into medical or nursing school. I really love these people, they learn quickly are usually great at the task at hand and then move on when it is time for medical school. If we get these people from a year or 2, I am extremely happy. The things that they learn while caring for Eric can then be transferred to other families and enhance their carers. But they are not his parents and are not meant to be in his life forever.

Then there are the heroic Special Needs Teachers that not only have to learn a whole lot of things about their students medical and emotional needs even before the education process can even start. Also, every year there seems to be more paperwork required for each student, think of the 504 Plans, Individual Education Plans, paperwork to prove that grant money is being spent within the terms of the grant. Accident reports if a child stumbles and the corrective action that will be taken in the future so the child learning to walk will not stumble again. Did I mention parents with unrealistic goals for their children. From the start of teaching special education to leaving the field average is 10 years. No they will not be there forever. Neither will the teachers of your healthy children.

As for the wonderful people who staff our Adult Day Care Programs, please be very nice to these people. The pay is lower than I would like to see it. The hours are long. Our young adults are sometimes very difficult to work with. If you have a chance schedule a day to shadow your adult child and see how the staff works with them. I am always very happy to see these caring people go back to school to further their carers wherever it takes them. They are not meant to be in our adult children's lives forever.

Ending on a note that no one wants to think about is what happens if you as the parent gets hurt or you can't do your job as a parent? Do you have a backup plan in place? Does your support coordinator have this in writing. If you have guardianship for your adult child, the courts must approve the plan. Talk to your lawyer about this. Your relatives might not be up to the task. Planning is a must.

Just remember that nothing is forever.

A Pivotial Day

A few days ago I noticed that Eric was having a lot of trouble after his bolist feedings. So I call his doctor and we put him on a trial of no bolist feedings and added and extra can of formula. Since we have made that switch Eric has not wild eyrped once and has slept through the night with the exception of last night. I really think he was ticked off at me for going out on a date with John.

Today was a very pivotal day in my life. Today was the first time in over 20 years that we went out as a family and I was not feeding a child. As I walked across Sweet Tomatoes parking lot I had a really odd thought. Why am I carrying my knitting with me, after all Eric was on the pump and when John and I finished lunch we would leave because we did not have to wait for Eric to finish.

John did notice how lost I felt with no child to feed. I needed to get a new rhythm of eating down. The old one was one bite for me then one bite for Eric until I was done. Then it was one row of knitting and one bite for Eric. I did feel totally lost and some what out of a job. As you all know I feel one of my jobs is to make sure everybody gets enough to eat. Yes Eric was eating via the kangaroo pump, but all I do is set up the bag and add formula during the day. So I my opinion the kangaroo pump was feeding Eric.

I need to remember that feeding Eric is not always our interaction while eating but that Eric get the proper nutrition no matter how the food is delivered. I also have to remember that as a parent not all the roads I cross will be bright and happy events. That I need to cherish every moment with my family because in the end they will not remember what we had to eat but rather the time we spent together.

Enjoy your families and have a great evening.

Caught Between Two Worlds

My husband I and I were talking over dinner how we feel caught between the two worlds of parenting. We have come to the realization that we will never leave the diaper bag phase of our lives and yet we can not imagine what life would be like with out Eric. Yet at the same time we are going through the empty nest phase with our oldest Teri leaving for law school.

Each child has brought extreme joys and challenges to our marriage. Both of our children are so different they only way to know that they are siblings is by those gorgeous hazel eyes. We have managed to raise to the challenge of both children, lets just say that they both dropped off the pediatric developmental chart at 18 months of age but in opposite directions.

It is physically challenging to raise a disable child and the hours are long. The toll on the body is great. I love Eric's smile and gleeful chortle that seems to make it all worth while. Eric has taken us to places that we never would have imagined going to. He has gotten us special tours of places when we did not know that we needed to make reservations for a tour a year in advance in the first place. He has opened out lives to some of the best people on the planet. He has the knack of bring out the extremes in people either the best or worst, but mainly the best.

Teri on the other hand is the precocious child always asking, why, how, what. This can be harder then the challenge of the disabled child. While most of my friends were trying to keep their children from stuffing food into the VCR, Teri just had to know why when she put in tapes that looked the same on the outside gave her different stories, at 3 she just had to know how magnetic coding worked and how it was applied. We went through the same questioning with the solar system and volcanoes and just about any other subject. Her melt downs were usually because I could not explain how something like a laser worked. She did not like me to put her in time outs or to get in trouble so by the time she was in 1st grade she usually figured out on her own what she did wrong and anticipated what her punishment would be. She must have been one of the few children on the planet to utter the following phrase " leave me alone I in time out because I did____" with out being put in time out by an adult. So we taught Teri that you must look at a problem from all sides, that if you had 2 people in a room and could not come up with a least 3 view points that someone was asleep. This trend continued through out her life. I was at a speaking engagement once and had to excuse myself to take a call from Teri. Teri knew that I could not drive her home that day but called to see if she could go to a lecture on black holes with her friend and that her friend's mom would drive them home. It was the same day a highly anticipate CD was to be release and the malls were going to be packed. Some one had ask if she was asking to go get the CD, and I had to say no she wanted to go to a lecture on black holes. By the look on the persons face I could tell this was not a usual high school students reply, but it was typical Teri.

One would believe that with 22 years of experience with these two children that we would be prepared for this stage of life. We feel like empty nester's yet we have one child that will need care for the rest of his life. We would love to travel but you should see the amount of gear that Eric travels with, let put it this way, we fill the van to overflowing and yet everyone but Eric, only has an overnight bag for the week.

If you are ahead of us on this curve of life please let me know how you manage to handle things, otherwise we will just muddle through like we have for the last 22 years.

Have a good day and enjoy your families.

Parenting

A lot of people feel that they have to jump through a lot of hoops to make their child the perfect child, They try many different methods and buy tons of parenting books. Now I am not saying that some guidance is not necessary. But my children's first Pediatrician Dr. Fricker told me early on to pick only one book and not to be a slave to that book because each child is different. To that end I will not tell you what book that I have on my bookshelf, but will instead give my humble opinion on what you need to do as a parent to raise a happy healthy child.



The number one job of a parent is to raise happy children who find their own way to make the world a better place. No more, no less.



The first step in developing a happy child is for the child to know that they are wanted and are an important part of your life. The easiest way to get a smile from your child is to tell them that they were planned or in the case of an unexpected child is to tell them that it was part of Gd's plan and he pick the right parents for your child. With the adopted child this can be easier with the child being told that they are special because you picked them out.



The second step is to develop a sense of community for your child. Explaining that being part of that community involves rules and a certain set of standards. This does involve teaching a child that they can not have everything that they want and that no means no. This will lead to frustration on the part of the parent and child, with the child throwing the occasional temper tantrum. I let the tantrum run its course and then talked to my children when they were calmer.

Discipline comes in to the equation too. Discipline is a way to integrate a child into society, by teaching them what society excepts from them and what they can expect in return. Discipline does not mean that a belt has to be pulled out for each infraction. I found the best way to discipline my children is to walk up to them and whisper in their ear what they are doing wrong and in the case of my eldest is to ask her what corrective action she is going to take to resolve the problem. With my youngest he requires more direction so I tell him what I would like him to do.



Also it is important to realize that each child is different. Not every child will grow up to be the President of a large company or the United States, those jobs are very limited and not everyone is suited for those jobs. There are literally hundreds of different jobs that need to be done each day to make this world function and they all require different skill sets. It is your job as a parent to help your child find their own way. Some children might show artistic tendencies. While others excel in math or science. This is where you can let your child lead the way, and no it does not mean letting children abandon school. School teaches a very real set of skills that are necessary for your child to grow into a fully functioning adult.

The job of parenting is a very difficult one with no instruction manual is issued when the child is born. It is instead a learning experience for you and your child. Please feel free to ignore the latest study and go with your gut feelings. If in doubt ask someone you consider a great parent and ask your questions, but don't be surprised that after the basics are answered they often say you have to learn to go with the flow.