Life Choices

 The thought occurred to me this morning that every single person in the Saturday spinning group had a vastly different childhood than mine. My childhood tormenter is near the end.  Which made me wonder what it must have been like if I was not waiting for my next misstep and the ensuing battle royal while growing up.  Even if I did not do a misstep and took the unwarranted blame and punishment for a siblings actions. 

Would I be more sure of myself and my choices in life? Would I have the courage to say no when I really wanted to? Would I still be so insecure about my whole life?  Would I have a stupid autoimmune disease that has been blamed on childhood trauma? 

What I do know is despite everything, I have tried to change the trajectory of my life. Sometimes with overwhelming success and other times with abject failures.  I did my best to be the complete opposite of my tormentor.  Sometimes being a little bit too ridged in hindsight.  I prayed everyday that I could get it right. Some days were better than others.  I also know that if my life had been different, I would not have a stupid scar on my left hand 63 years after a punishment.  I can’t even think about why anyone would do that to a toddler.  

I don’t know if I will ever get rid of my insecurities caused by my childhood.  Even the feeling that I will be all alone because my tormenter called me a bad person and their life and the world would be better without me. As an adult I know that this is totally out of bounds remark that I heard at least once a day.  

I hope and pray everyday that I am worthy enough to be part of my husband and children’s lives.  That my friends can accept my foibles brought about by my less than desirable childhood.  That I can make the world a better place.  That I am a much better parent and human being than my tormenter ever was.  

That the statement that childhood abuse lasts a life time is so true.  Ask me how I know? Many details have been left out to protect the guilty at the end of life.

Please make the effort to treat all children with the respect that they deserve. Please remember that “All G’d’s children are special all the time. “